|Everything and Nothing|
This year hasn’t been the best.
Albeit, there have been some moments of brilliance, from a change in job to cheering my brother on as he made his way overseas to extend his already illustrious acting studies and career. It’s been an interesting one to say the least. For those of you who may know me, you would be privy to the fact that my father passed away in the beginning of the year and yesterday marked exactly 9 months since you passed and exactly a year that he was admitted to ICU for the first time before his death a little more than 3 months later.
I have a blog post I wrote about that day, re-reading it now makes me a little bilious and I’m not yet ready to publish it, so apologies about not being as not being as forth coming with all of my readers as I have been in previous years. This year has turned me inward, more so than I think I ever have been. I think one of the most significant changes or transitions I think I’ve noticed is a general lightheartedness that I have naturally adopted this year that I think has done me some good.
All 7 of you – lack of readership joke there – remember me as the always-angry-constantly-annoyed Dave that seemed to always bring most conversations to an argument before they had even begun. That’s changed, I’m not sure how… or why for that matter, but it’s changed. Anger used to be the fuel I once used to drive me, almost every day, in every situation, with every thing I did. I had someone ask me the other day whether I thought this new easy-going attitude has caused me to lose my edge – that, I don’t have an answer for yet… what do you think? Do you think because I’m not as prickly as I once was, I’ve lost that “killer” Dave appeal? It’s an interesting sentiment. One that isn’t sitting too well with me.
Calm. I feel calm. Not sure where it’s come from or whether this has been lying and waiting underneath all that anger for all this time, but I feel calm, more controlled and capable. Maybe I’m growing up? Who knows. All I know is that something had changed and the person I once was, is better. Not in the healing way, just better. How do I know it’s better? Also, a good question. I think I was quite unapproachable before. Hard. Unforgiving and devoid of compassion. Whether I’m ticking all those boxes now is a different story, but I’m trying to.
I have some great things in my life at the moment. My friends, who have always been a refuge for me. Work, which is challenging and stressful, but great and some of the more avo-esque (“Avo-esque” refers to the sentiment that avocado tastes amazing on anything. Always.) type things that I am enjoying have made this year easier to deal with than I thought it was going to be. I’m not saying I’m in denial. I have my good days, I have my great days and I have my bad and terrible days and I guess that what I’ve realised is that I’m no different to any one else out there dealing with what life throws at them. I look at some of the strongest people in my life, single-moms who win at life every day, friends who have dealt with unemployment and have picked themselves up to follow a passion and made a success out of this, new and incredible people that have waded through so much adversity in previous years that I couldn’t fathom comparing sob-stories to because it would make my life seem like an episode of 90210 to their omnibus of Days of our Lives (and I mean that in the tragically best way possible).
It feels good to write again, we should do this again.
What else can I give you an update on? a/s/l? Ha! The internet and the changing of things? Too intricate, which reminds that I owe a friend an article for her platform, sorry Mich!
I’ll leave you with this, I’m not saying that this adoption of adorexia is good for everyone. I’m not saying I have adorexia, but what I am saying is that not being angry all the time has given me the chance to look up every once in a while and smile. Something that I haven’t done in a long, long time. I hope that if there is anything you take away from this post is that… just look up, even if it’s not to smile. Just look up in case you miss something.