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|Everything and Nothing|

A different kind of feeling

This year hasn’t been the best.

Albeit, there have been some moments of brilliance, from a change in job to cheering my brother on as he made his way overseas to extend his already illustrious acting studies and career. It’s been an interesting one to say the least. For those of you who may know me, you would be privy to the fact that my father passed away in the beginning of the year and yesterday marked exactly 9 months since you passed and exactly a year that he was admitted to ICU for the first time before his death a little more than 3 months later.

I have a blog post I wrote about that day, re-reading it now makes me a little bilious and I’m not yet ready to publish it, so apologies about not being as not being as forth coming with all of my readers as I have been in previous years. This year has turned me inward, more so than I think I ever have been. I think one of the most significant changes or transitions I think I’ve noticed is a general lightheartedness that I have naturally adopted this year that I think has done me some good.

All 7 of you – lack of readership joke there – remember me as the always-angry-constantly-annoyed Dave that seemed to always bring most conversations to an argument before they had even begun. That’s changed, I’m not sure how… or why for that matter, but it’s changed. Anger used to be the fuel I once used to drive me, almost every day, in every situation, with every thing I did. I had someone ask me the other day whether I thought this new easy-going attitude has caused me to lose my edge – that, I don’t have an answer for yet… what do you think? Do you think because I’m not as prickly as I once was, I’ve lost that “killer” Dave appeal? It’s an interesting sentiment. One that isn’t sitting too well with me.

Calm. I feel calm. Not sure where it’s come from or whether this has been lying and waiting underneath all that anger for all this time, but I feel calm, more controlled and capable. Maybe I’m growing up? Who knows. All I know is that something had changed and the person I once was, is better. Not in the healing way, just better. How do I know it’s better? Also, a good question. I think I was quite unapproachable before. Hard. Unforgiving and devoid of compassion. Whether I’m ticking all those boxes now is a different story, but I’m trying to.

All I know is that something had changed and the person I once was, is better.

I have some great things in my life at the moment. My friends, who have always been a refuge for me. Work, which is challenging and stressful, but great and some of the more avo-esque (“Avo-esque” refers to the sentiment that avocado tastes amazing on anything. Always.) type things that I am enjoying have made this year easier to deal with than I thought it was going to be. I’m not saying I’m in denial. I have my good days, I have my great days and I have my bad and terrible days and I guess that what I’ve realised is that I’m no different to any one else out there dealing with what life throws at them. I look at some of the strongest people in my life, single-moms who win at life every day, friends who have dealt with unemployment and have picked themselves up to follow a passion and made a success out of this, new and incredible people that have waded through so much adversity in previous years that I couldn’t fathom comparing sob-stories to because it would make my life seem like an episode of 90210 to their omnibus of Days of our Lives (and I mean that in the tragically best way possible).

It feels good to write again, we should do this again.

What else can I give you an update on? a/s/l? Ha! The internet and the changing of things? Too intricate, which reminds that I owe a friend an article for her platform, sorry Mich!

I’ll leave you with this, I’m not saying that this adoption of adorexia is good for everyone. I’m not saying I have adorexia, but what I am saying is that not being angry all the time has given me the chance to look up every once in a while and smile. Something that I haven’t done in a long, long time. I hope that if there is anything you take away from this post is that… just look up, even if it’s not to smile. Just look up in case you miss something.

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25 comments on “A different kind of feeling

  1. Lila Moreira
    January 8, 2014

    I dont know how to explain how proud I am of you, especially after this long hard year…and no you have not lost yr amazing ability to express yourself…

  2. Corli
    October 19, 2013

    I’ve had this little gem in my pocket for a week now. I’m so glad I read it.

    You totes haven’t lost your edge. If anything I think it’s sharper, it’s now only aimed at those who deserve to get a bit of a talking to (and I say that knowing that from time to time I’m also one of those people).

    You know this, but I kinda like telling you over and over again anyway: You’re one of the most amazing people ever and I am still learning lessons from things you told me a year ago. Thank you for growing and getting better because through osmosis / association / drunken hugs it’s also helping me get better. Love you very very very much.

    • Dave
      October 21, 2013

      Thank you, kiddo.

      That makes me so happy!

      Thank you for the comment.

  3. shebee
    October 17, 2013

    It’s so strange – just the other night I was insomniacing and having a smoke on the balcony and wondered if you were still so angry. And then I thought some more and realised that the anger was always a bit of a joke to me because from the second I met you until all these years later, you’ve only ever been a gentle, kind, soft spoken and wise old soul. With a whole lot of swag and beautiful insights into the world.

    Dave, you’ve always been one of my favourite people, I’d like to say never change but that would be unfair because people do. What I do know is that no matter what or how or when, I’ll always admire you.
    X

    • Dave
      October 18, 2013

      Jeesh. Sheenz, I have no words to tell you how that comment made me feel.

      Thank you so much, luv… you honour me.

      x

      • Dino van der Merwe
        October 18, 2013

        I’ll never forget the good ol days of when Dave and I had to give-away free cricket match tickets on social media every Friday for one of our “Ayoba” clients.

        Dave poetically injected energy and excitement into every Facebook post he published.

        Millions of cricket fans around the country eagerly anticipated when Dave would strike again with his fast little fingers.

        The Clash of the Nashua Titans was a match I will never forget.

        R.I.P Cricket. We will miss you.

        LOL

      • Dave
        October 21, 2013

        Ha… Dino, you kill me!

  4. Dino van der Merwe
    October 16, 2013

    Make that 8 readers Dave! Ha ha. Glad to see your new positive mindset bud! Hope you are well?

    • Dave
      October 17, 2013

      Thanks, brother.

      Always well. Thanks for coming by and commenting!

  5. Lila Moreira
    October 16, 2013

    Iv missed your writing…and yes what you went through this past year does make one look at lfe differently and apreciate the small things… Losing my mom and then my Tony (yr beautiful daddy) knocked me over like I could never imagine..m so proud of the beautiful person you and your brother are!! Never giv up yr writing, you have a special gift..

    • Dave
      October 17, 2013

      Thanks, cuzzie!

      That’s very special of you to say, thank you!

      Love you and family very much!x

      • lilacostamoreiral
        February 2, 2014

        ‚̧ lov u too…family is the reason I get up everymorning,,,oh yes and the idear that if i stayed in bed depressed yr dad would come down and tell me "lilocas get the f…. up and be an adult", because one of the things I could always count on was that Tony would tell me exactly what was on his mind – the truth…

  6. Jessica Giggles
    October 16, 2013

    After everything that I have been through over the years, I really believe that everything happens for a reason. You may not know the reason right away but you’ll soon see it.

    PS: Am available for free hugs anytime! xxx

    • Dave
      October 17, 2013

      Aaww Jess!

      Thank you so much for the comment, and you’re right. I try not to get too caught up on the whole “reasons, fate, blah blah stuff”, but you’re right. For me, reasons are simply clear motivations for the things I do, no more, no less. If the reason feels good enough, I usually ensure I get what I want.

      Lots luff and hugs, Jess.x

  7. Rubyletters
    October 16, 2013

    I think the fact that you’re looking up and smiling is a good thing…realising there is more to life is an amazing and precious thing and it takes some people their entire lives and then they still don’t get it.

    Life isn’t always awesome and I can’t, and don’t even want to, begin to imagine the pain of losing a parent. My heart starts breaking into a million pieces just thinking about it. The year definitely started out very rough for you. But you grew…I wouldn’t say you grew up,(boys will always be boys) but you did grow as a person and that right there is what life is all about.

    • Dave
      October 16, 2013

      Adore you, Letty.

      Thank you for the comment, luv. I know it comes straight from the heart!

      x

  8. David Law
    October 16, 2013

    Dude, I’ve always known you to be a creatively driven person. I remember as I think back on our school days in miss Joseph’s primary-school art class and thinking, shit I’m really gonna have to up my game if I want to compete and be a true contender when it came to winning the art prize. Art was something which I think came naturally to me, but now I would need to work harder at it and I considered you an opponent with raw natural talent, a true contender in my little art world and I would need to hone my skills in order to preserve my cred. With that being said; art and anyone who is creatively inclined, most often seems to possess an innate sensitivity, a passion and a darkness as well (possibly due to an event which was disturbing during our formative years) – I, like yourself, besides the fact that we share the same name and attended the same school, am a sensitive person and can sometimes get frustrated when things are not perfect, things people say or do urk/anger me to the core and my reaction was to defend my honour because I took it personally, when that becomes a habit from a conditioned thought process, it becomes who we are. A perfectionist/extreme/type A personality is the driving force behind most of what we think and do but this can often leave us incredibly frustrated that things cannot always be as perfect as we’d like them to be. The world simply needs people like us to balance out the suits/the squares. The only thing that has helped me, is to be a friend to myself/love myself and try and not be hard on myself because no matter how hard we try, nothing in life is ever going to be perfect besides the perfect plan of the universe which is already set in motion so just enjoy the journey. Hope this helps.

    • Dave
      October 16, 2013

      Dave, incredible insight and so on point. Thank you for sharing yours thoughts with me, man. Really appreciate that. Means more than you know!

      • David Law
        October 16, 2013

        No sweat bro, I can relate.

    • Matt Swan
      October 16, 2013

      David Law as in Kerryn Law’s bro?

      • David Law
        October 16, 2013

        Indeed bro. She’s 8 months prggers and I’m about to become an uncle for the 7th time.

      • Matt Swan
        October 16, 2013

        Nice bro. You probably won’t remember me, but I remember you well from when I was going out with Amy. Hope you are very well dude, and still keeping people laughing with that brilliant sense of humour….

      • Dave
        October 16, 2013

        Crazy connectivity here, guys… nicely.

  9. Matt Swan
    October 16, 2013

    Lost your edge?! No ways dude. Possibly more a case of realised that life is about stopping to smell the flowers too – and I don’t mean that in a camp way – I mean maybe you’re now willing to slow down and enjoy things in your life where you used to get hung up on banalities. May I dare to say that perhaps a positive outlook and fresh perspective, much like avocado, goes well with just about anything.

    • Dave
      October 16, 2013

      Dude… thank you for that. I think it’s what I was trying to say all along but couldn’t get it out properly.

      Appreciate that, man. I really do. This year has been a pleasure already because I got to hang with you and drink like yobos!

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This entry was posted on October 16, 2013 by in Blogging, David Alves and tagged , , , , , , .
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