The confession

So, yesterday…okay fine…for the past couple of days I have been making a menace out of myself and have been giving into some of the finer things in life. I’ve been cheating.

I admit it. I have been cheating, not only on you but on myself. I am ashamed and feel disgusting.

It’s not easy admitting to failure but I feel as though it’s time to come clean about what I have done and confess to you all – well, those of you that actually read this whole host of drivel.

I have been eating and eating well.

Okay, not that well, but I have been sampling some of the more delicious food groups on the market and may gawd is it all amazing. This past weekend, I slammed what can only be called a “Shintzel from Heaven” in my gut. I couldn’t help myself. It was cold, dark and I thought it was you…soup. It was amazing. I can honestly say it never stood a chance against my tremendous jaws of hunger and the satisfactory “fullness” I felt afterwards was testament to the something I have been missing out on for the past couple of months. I have seriously missed it. Just to bring you up to speed on my diet over this period. Soup. Biltong. Nuts. Fruit. And salad.

I know, right? Adventurous! It’s actually quite sad and to be honest with you, it’s all become rather tiring. I’m exhausted. My energy levels are at an all time low and my motivation to keep going is starting to wain.

Still feel motivated? No. How about now? Nope.

Look, it’s not all doom and gloom. I have lost a staggering 8kgs and that is seriously something to keep focused on to maintain my drive, but as I said in my last post…I’ve hit this “Plateau” and finding time to exercise after a full day of work as well as feeling as low as I am, is (I want to swear here) really hard. It’s not a question of motivation because I do want to keep going, but I feel like I’m losing sight of the path ahead of me. I don’t know any one else who’s going through what I’m currently experiencing – because gawd forbid another male come out and say that they have insecurities about the way they look and that they’re trying to lose weight – so, in all honesty, I feel like I’m on my own here. Now, before the ladies come to my rescue on that point, understand that men and women are different and asking me to relate to you will not work.

I really won’t and I don’t mean to offend you, but women have and deal with insecurities differently to men, so, even though I appreciate your support…you really can’t help me.

You can tell I’m dying for a little love, right? *internal snigger*

Storm Trooper Facepalm...yes...do it.

What am I really trying to say? That I feel like instead of being supported and having being told congratulations I’ve been made fun of and told that I’m being ridiculous? Maybe. Okay, yes. That’s exactly what I’m saying. Here’s where I kick myself in the face for sounding like a needy little scrotum and just carry on with life…I look back at those last couple of sentences and it reassures me that what I’m doing, this journey, this torture…whatever you want to call it, has been for me and for no one else. I don’t need recognition. I don’t need appraisal. I don’t need reassurance from anyone else but myself.

It’s really strange how clear things become as you write through them.