What can I say

There have been some pretty unusual things happening to me lately. For one, I got knocked out cold last month, which has never happened to me before. I have had my personality questioned more so in my life than I every thought possible – when I say “my personality” I mean my outward facing person, you know, the one everyone else sees when they look at you – yes, that one and to top it all off, I’ve started thinking about marriage. I know, right? Me, marriage…insane!

The perfect wedding attire *slap*

Now before you all start calling the marriage exorcists, I’d just like to remind you that I am a Best-Man in my friend’s up coming wedding next month, so it’s to be expected that marriage is on the brain – I never insinuated I was thinking about marriage specific to my current life situation. Right, ummm…moving on.

The core focus to this blog post has got to be centered round “my personality type”, the questioned one, correct. After unraveling it for the past few days I have come up with two aspects of my persona that for one needs help and two, needs nurturing. I say nurturing because to be honest, I’ve never been one of those guys to be so introspective as to dissect who I am and “what I’m made of”.  Don’t get my wrong though, I’m introspective enough to give myself bloody hell for what I clearly think is wrong with me, but have never really given myself any constructive criticism about how to improve on things – until now that is.

Confidence, come get some?

Self-belief. It’s not something that has ever been my strong suit. Sure, I’ve done exceptionally well to get through most of the important things in life; school, university, low paying first jobs, heartache, you know…the remedial stuff really. The kind of self-belief I’ve learnt to distil in myself has been circumstantial, meaning; I’ve been able to muster up enough self-belief to be able to get myself through whatever has presented itself to me in my life. You know that time in your life when someone of motivation-status has “knelt” down to your level and said, “Come kid, you can do it. You believe in yourself!” Well, I think, as we get older, people stop saying that to each another and what happens is that we assume that role for ourselves.

We become the motivators for our own challenges as we play both “coach” and “player”. And just for the record, this is not a game. Coming back to my point, the kind of self-belief I’m referring to is one of generic basis. Have you ever just been motivated about being yourself on a day-to-day basis? I can’t remember the last time I felt something even remotely self-motivating. Right now, some of you are probably reading this and thinking to yourself, you just need a swift kick in the head and get back to studying some mantra from Chopper Read. The truth is, who has time to stop and motivate themselves during the day for no apparent reason. The more I think about it the more I realise that human beings arm themselves with emotional ammunition just as they’re about to go into battle. There is very little nurturing that goes on in-between the battles you fight on a daily basis. Sure, some of you out there might think that being in a relationship you get to feel loved and care for and yes, that could quite possibly form part of a nurturing bag of tricks, but in the end, a relationship is such a fine line between irritation and satisfaction that I wouldn’t rest my nurturing hopes on something that can be positive in the morning, depressive at lunch and then sky-high in the evening…even if I was in a relationship. I honestly believe that that constant reassurance and motivation needs to come from within.

Self-belief is created, not transferred.

Kind of dig that...not sure why though...

Confidence. Yeah, sure…I has me some of that. Do I use it, sometimes, I guess. You see, there…I wasn’t really confident about answering that. There was a particular occurrence last month that made me think more about confidence and what it meant to me. My office had an internal talent show that was more about how much you wanted to sacrifice yourself on the alter of dignity (I love that saying okay…) and how much <insert Spanish word for testicles here/> you had. One of our current designers walked away with first prize, not because the man had a good voice, but because he had <Spanish testicles/>. I mean, the guy rocked it, bringing back to life the King himself in a Jailhouse Rock rendition that might have made Steven Cowell pour acid in his ears, but the performance was through the roof. His confidence runith over and everyone in the room felt it. It was electric. I couldn’t have gotten up there. Not in a million years, plus, the only thing I have in my arsenal I consider to be a talent is; I can cook a mean English breakfast and I can give a wicked massage. I have healing hands okay!

Sissy girly man...get DOWN!

The point or question as it may I’m trying to make here is, is confidence just having the willingness to throw caution to the wind or is it something more? Can it be taught? Can it be developed or is it something that people are born with and use it whenever the mood strikes them?

I have confidence. I know I do. In all likelihood, it’s the kind of confidence that is strutted selectively, merely picking and choosing its public displays rather than walking around swinging it like a rubber hose, if you catch my drift. I’m not saying that all confidence-slinging-hose-slingers are…well, hose-slingers, but the fact of the matter is, there is a fine line between confident and arrogant and arrogant my electorate is not something I ever what to be labeled with. In my opinion, arrogance is the cheapest form of self-promotion a human being can display. Plus, I wouldn’t know how to be arrogant even if I tried. So then, it begs the question, how much confidence is too much? Where’s the bloody line? Who wrote the rules? And where the hell is this book of rules stashed because I “needs to get my visit on” to that bloody store!

Before I end, you’re probably all wondering how any of the above has affected my situation on the “lady front”. Being a single guy, confidence plays a major role in the way women see you. Displaying a confident exterior “game” showcases your attributes, likes, dislikes, opinions and whatever other plumage nature has given you to fluff up. So, to tell you honestly, I’m actually not sure how it has affected my situation because at the moment there isn’t one. Call it a hiatus, call it a emotional disengagement but the fact of the matter is, is that this single guy is unavailable. I’ve decided to throw up that sign, well because, I’m unhappy with myself – initiation of Project 10 and all other associated changes – I know I would be unable to share, create or receive anyone else’s happiness until I had achieved my own…on my own. Sound twisted? I thought so too in the beginning but it’s starting make more sense the more I embrace it. They say you can never be truly happy until you’re happy with yourself and I’ve come to really believe in that little slice of “Hallmark B.S.”. It really does make sense and there are a million sayings just like it…“what baggage you store away is the same baggage you arrived with” yada-yada…you get the picture.

I'm pretty sure this kid has <Spanish testicles/>...

The point I’m making is that, I know I’m going through a transition here and there’s no way I’m willing to subject anyone to my highs and lows, severe dietary requirements and worst of all, my unwillingness to emotionally connect. I just won’t do it.

In closing and not because I’m done, by any means, but because I’m not sure what else to say about me and the fact that I know I don’t exude the be-all-and-know-it-all exterior that some “confidants” (that’s the endearing term I’ve given to those who sling it…) have, but what I lack in vocal and visual display I like to think that I make up for it in action. To me, it’s always the smaller gestures that count the most. They say that a gentlemen’s words are magnified ten times when spoken softer than the common crowd. I’m not saying I’m soft spoken by any means, but I think applying that saying to actions can have the same effect.

What can I say…here’s hoping.