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|Everything and Nothing|

Scared of being alone…

For those not in the mood for something touching and heart-felt, you may click away NOW.

Lately I have begun to notice a trend. A trend in society that seems to be constant from year to year and has maintained its nasty path for the past 18 months. I have been single now for almost that same amount of time and what I have noticed is that couples seem to form and “find one another” in the months of November/December – which evidently is just before end of year holidays for most people – and then mid year, roughly between the months of April/May – conveniently before the weather turns to sh*t.

In my opinion, there are various motivators for this shift in the single population.  In the case of the end of year longing syndrome, the need to have someone by your side for the December/Holiday Period/I-want-to-have-comfort-sex-on-New-Years time is exactly that…the need to just “have someone” there, to talk to, to touch, to be touched by seems to be a massive motivator for people to really make a concerted effort to land a “catch” (as temporary as it may be), but a catch never-the-less. It seems as though while making this kind of an effort one can seemingly make a respectable find…a “potential” so-to-speak, but the truth of the matter is, anyone who – during this time of courtship – is willing to step into a relationship knows that they themselves are just seeking that holiday fling (hate that word) vibe or know that the other person is looking for exactly that…either way, the union is doomed to failed…! One would even go as far as to say that if a couple does manage to make it past the December cuddles and huddles and does attempt to make something of the “magic” they experienced over the holiday period…it is still doomed to fail – even if the end comes to fruition in 6 – 10 months…the end result is the same and thus proves the theory.

“Alone…alone…alone……….Alone!”

In the case of the mid year need for affection, as the Summer days slowly fade and the days become shorter and short…waking up alone in the dark seems to be pretty low on peoples preference lists…so what would be the logical solution…yup, you guessed it, latch onto a mate and ride out the Winter as you collect your acorns and nuts for the Wintery chill ahead. It makes perfect sense, who wouldn’t want someone to cuddle with on the couch, have them make you tea and coffee and lie in with on the lazy weekends…? Keeping in mind that these are not the only activities that will be done in the midst of the cold weather coming through this year…! Exactly, there is not a single human being who does not find the previous statements at least a little attractive.  I know I do.

It’s human nature to want to be touched unless you have been put through massive abuse early on in life and now you shy aware from physical affection, but for the most part, human are by nature, a tactile species. Humans are drawn to one another and there is nothing more satisfying that having affection returned to you by someone who you have either a physical and or emotional connection with…! And ladies, don’t give me that story that chocolate and a pair of Jimmy Choo’s is all you need…because it’s bullsh*t…everyone needs someone, now for what ever that reason is, is entirely up to them and how they use that time is also in their hands.

This “trend” seems to dance around the same people, transitional time after transitional time, they are the select few who always manage to land a “goodie” for the time period in which they need the “sustenance” to make it through the “tough” time ahead…I mean really…regardless of that, these pro’s seem to have mastered the art of the “Time Lapse Hookup” because I have been single 18 months and have yet to find a Holiday-Hold-Me-Down-And-Ravage-Me and I consider myself at least a generalized 6/10 catch…at worst…!  What I really don’t understand is the reputation that proceeds these particular

FAIL BITCHES FAIL!!!

individuals…and why others enter in to these “limited-engagements” when they know all too well that there is no light at the end of the tail for themselves and for the relationships they form…there is only nothingness, a simple and short snuff of the candle light.

I think that I feel sorry for them individuals involved more than anything, because like in all other arrangements that involved dual commitment, there is always one who is more invested in their “pseudo relationship” than the other which inevitably leads to hurt, real hurt – you know, the kind that feels like someone is hurting you – because even though that person knows deep down inside that this is probably just a “holiday-hanky-pank”, they still commit and that commitment leads to a great amount of pain when things eventually fizzle out or the “pro” gets bored and moves on because now it’s “April/May Intake” or “End-of-Year-Yield” …I’m sure that the obvious does not need to be spelt out…heartbreak is pretty self-explanatory!

Personally I’m not a fan of stating the obvious, but just so that we are all on the same page here…we are in one of those…”transitional times”, so be on-guard for those looking to take advantage of your human desire to be tactile…love is not always about taking a chance, leaping and all that other bullsh*t they teach you in the movies…open your eyes and be slightly more strategic with who you choose to get cuddly with this Winter…

…don’t be scared to be alone.

Love and Cuddles

Cold to the touch

(This was posted to ZAGlamour on 15/04/2010.)
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31 comments on “Scared of being alone…

  1. Eloquent Delinquent
    November 22, 2012

    Hey David

    People who cannot not be in a relationship have serious self worth issues. A partner validates their existence.

    I have met a number of people who are like this and I have asked them the same questions – Why are you scared of yourself? What is it about yourself that you dislike so much? Why do you believe that only when in a partnership, do you have the ability/right/reason to live?

    They live what I call a relationship groundhog day life, every time the inevitable happens and the relationship ends, the cycle begins all over again.

    I totally agree with you one person cannot ‘complete’ another. You have to be a whole person for a relationship to work. When my husband and I got married almost 11 years ago, we asked the priest not to say that whole thing about us now being one. That is such bullshit, you are still 2 people, but you share a life together.

    What I don’t agree with you on is when you say if someone wants to join you, take the no.2 chair and if they grab the wheel they can go. A relationship can only work if there is an equal amount of give and take from both sides. If a relationship becomes one-sided, you have to be in the space that you know you can tell your partner how you feel and they either agree or not but it’s not just left unresolved.

    I have bogged a couple of times on my view of relationships etc… if you want, here are a couple of links to pieces you may enjoy based on what you wrote here.

    http://eloquenttash.wordpress.com/2011/09/07/my-take-on-relationships-and-marriage-2/

    http://eloquenttash.wordpress.com/2011/08/29/selfish-vice-or-virtue/

    • Dave
      December 4, 2012

      Howsit again Tash,

      I appreciate the comment, I really do. But at the same time, as much as I appreciate the comment, what I wrote 2 years ago might not even apply right now, so to be throwing this stuff my way and now “educating” me on my own blog is a little invasive – you know, use it, don’t use it. No where in my piece did I ask for anyone to feed back to me – call it a rant, call it a bitch – whatever it may be – I wrote it then, this is now. I would appreciate it if you addressed your comment in context.

      After rereading the post, a lot of what I shared still holds much of its meaning for me. I don’t think in any way, shape or form was I talking about relationships as a whole. I was merely speaking about those who enter into relationship built on two seasonal factors – one, the allure of December “love” and Winter “cuddles”. Again, this is all circumstantial and I never wrote the book – it’s an observation, so before casting judgement, please feel free to express your own without trying to educate me about what relationships are supposed to or not supposed to mean.

      Ciao.

      • EloquentTash
        December 6, 2012

        Hey Dave

        My comments weren’t aimed at you, more either in agreement or just comments in general. We can only exchange our own views etc with others, what is taken, if anything from that is a personal decision.

        Tash

      • Dave
        December 19, 2012

        Fair enough.

        Thanks for the reply, Tash.

        Ciao.

  2. Eva Kolková
    July 19, 2011

    Dave, my English is reall not brilliant. But still… I red this blog today while sitting alone in my flat. It is really really good. I am alone. Almoast 2 years. After one big love I am still waiting for my wave… maybe for the 9th wave 🙂 Well. Your blog helped me a lot. I don t want to be alone anymore. I was hopeless. Now I am strong again. Hugs Eva, from Prague.

    • Dave
      July 19, 2011

      Eva…wow.

      Thank you so much for the comment, and all the way from Prague no less! It’s always great having someone from international shores come through to read and comment!

      I’m glad I could help! Have a super rest of your day luv!

  3. Brad
    August 23, 2010

    David you are a brilliant writer don’t let retarded people like Timothy traddle try and deny that…The great thing about a blog is its a platform to express ones personal story’s, views on life and anything else that they wanna express. The simple reality for the loser is that he clearly has nothing better to do besides raid on someone else’s thoughts and views. Tim I’ll give you the best piece of free advice you will ever get…”if you don’t like it DON’T READ IT”…

    Keep up the blogs and awesome work David.

    Tim start your own blog and write about you exciting life trolling other sites and giving your deepest insights into other peoples lives.

    To all you other people have a lovely week and remember life is like a box of chocolates…

    • Dave
      August 23, 2010

      Rocking…thanks Brad and thank you for the support.

      Let’s not get into a cross fire of comments here and simply leave this where it is. Timothy, if you’re reading this…just know that I respect you opinions which is why I have been open and honest about this “comment feed” and didn’t just delete your initial “negative comment”…posting it to Twitter and sharing it for all to point and giggle. It’s what I do, I let it all hang out…naturally. With regards to Brad’s comment, I like the, “if you don’t like it, don’t read it” comment…it has some validity, then again, everyone comes across content on the web that makes one feel compelled to comment on and as sad as this may sound, apparently my personal view points was the tipping point for you.

      Thank you again Brad. Take care.

  4. Kerri
    August 19, 2010

    I live for me now….. Love that! Words I needed to hear today. Thank you! xxx

    • Dave
      August 19, 2010

      Pleasure.

      All it takes is to see something good out of this…thank you Kerri.

  5. Timothy
    August 19, 2010

    Wow, I’m really late to the party on this, but…
    …I’m not sure what it is you’re exactly trying to say here, do you really believe your observations are that astute and original? I believe everything you’ve said here is old hat. The ‘purpose’ of a relationship is also somewhat subjective and the events as objective and sterile as you may think they are, can be very reactive to chaos, a fling may well turn in to a full relationship, I think adults should be allowed to be adults and make informed choices, you come across a little jaded, and somewhat self-righteous.

    • Dave
      August 19, 2010

      Ahoy there Tim.

      Firstly, thank you for the schooling. I forgot what it was like to feel.

      Secondly, if you’re going to tell me that I’m being self-righteous, please make reference as to which passage of personal experience and emotional ammunition you are referring to? I have re-read this post 5 or 6 times over the last couple of hours and the more times I read it, the harder it becomes to revisit those emotions. Not once have I ever made reference to being a relationship guide here on my blog and I don’t and never will claim to have enough relationship experience to give advice on certain aspects of a “human unification”. My friend…if you haven’t already gotten the hint now, you never will…so what I’m going to do is literally spell it out for you:

      This post was my observation.
      This post was written out of personal experience. (How do you know I didn’t write it from the “users” POV?)
      This post was meant to highlight what is a seasonal trend…no one can deny that.

      To have you swing slander my way, is not kosher chum-o.

      Maybe you should re-read the post, leave your own emotions out of it and then re-comment later, yeah?

      • Timothy
        August 19, 2010

        I was considering whether to actually reply to your reply, but I felt you have enthusiasm, and perhaps I could help you develop in to a (albeit generic) writer/author/creative type of sorts.

        Firstly if you honestly believe that some one needs to explictly state their intent, then the creative life is not for you, so to gather what the author of a particular passage is intending can come from a myriad of tools including but not limited to tone.

        Yes, the tone of your passage is self-righteous.

        “I think that I feel sorry for them individuals involved more than anything, because like in all other arrangements that involved dual commitment, there is always one who is more invested in their “pseudo relationship”

        This particular passage is rank with it, you feel sorry for people in flings, mildly commited relationship. You state, pretty blandly and straight forward enough, that there is always some one more invested, once again a clear indication that you are placing an assumption that puts you in a position of superiority on the subject.
        Through out your post there are various phrases and statements, which you use to indicate that you have solid knowledge of some of the ‘facts’ about human relationships.

        In deed your post even ends off with a statement which would definitely supplement the tone of the post to indicate that you feel as though your advice is solid.

        “love is not always about taking a chance, leaping and all that other bullsh*t they teach you in the movies…open your eyes and be slightly more strategic with who you choose to get cuddly with this Winter…”

        You should also perhaps look up the meaning of slander.

        Point of View I got, hence the jaded statement.

        You’re trolling your own blog.

      • Dave
        August 19, 2010

        Wow.

        You really put some thought into that one.

        Listen here Dr. Phil…by all means, point out the inaccuracies of the what you think is a good or bad use of language throughout the post, but do not for one second tell me that my views on a particular subject are self-righteous…of course they’re draped in subjectivity. I went through it. I’m not writing about relationships from an outsider’s perspective, I’m writing it because I’ve meandered through the seasonal and serial dating game and have come out a better person in the end. That ‘better person’ as I have tried to clearly imply in my post is one of security and stability in knowing that it’s okay to be alone. Maybe you should try it from time to time…or maybe you’re one of the people I have mentioned in the post and the truth hurts. Either way…you’re not paying to be here and I’m not being paid to write for you.

        You’ve obviously been rubbed up the wrong way by something I’ve written and unfortunately such is life. But, isn’t life a series of assumptions…as calculated and educated you may be on an elusive subject, such as love and relationships, one will always be “taking a chance”, hitting and missing most of the time and eventually compromising and settling for what one may think is a good emotional (sometimes financial) investment. I, my little butt-monkey have not…and I shall repeat, have not claimed to know it all, nor have I claimed to be the Qwan-on-Relationsh*ts, but there is one thing that I believe gives me the right to make assumptions…and that is experience. You “trolling” my blog does not prove me wrong or impede my ability to have an opinion on a matter…even one as complex as love, so by all means…I encourage you to comment further…

        I’m rather enjoying you wasting your time here with your “fancy speak” and your righteous temperament…

        PS: “I was considering whether to actually reply to your reply, but I felt you have enthusiasm, and perhaps I could help you develop in to a (albeit generic) writer/author/creative type of sorts.” = Self-righteous/Egotistical/Douchebaggey-much?

      • Timothy
        August 20, 2010

        I’m not sure if we’re just not bridging a language gap here, but you obviously don’t get what I’ve said.

        You also seem to be centering around the fact that I disagree with or challenge the validity of your personal opinion, so that does beg one to question why you would place your personal views online with an open comments section.

        I think you may become the internet meme that you are so ardently trying to be, if you were just honest with the intent of your writing.

        In regards to ‘trolling’, I do believe I have simply commented on an expression that has been made public, I do believe stating that the writing comes across jaded or self-righteous instead of informative is a valid critique. I would further argue that your own responses have been layered with insults, and unfounded challenges, perhaps you are the one with issues pertaining further than relationships, and should go back and really re-read yourself and discover some introspection.

        As I said before you are trolling your own blog.

      • Dave
        August 20, 2010

        Was so hoping for this but am going to regret digressing in such a crude manner.

        Listen bud, this is my blog.
        I write my own sh*t.
        From my own POV.
        My feelings, my writing, my blog.
        I decided to leave everything on the table because I have nothing to hide and am truly out spoken about most aspects of my life.
        Why should my writing be informative? I didn’t write it for anyone but myself…the fact that people read anything I write is a miracle.
        No one forced you to read this, nor did anyone slap you with the proverbial Judgmental-Handbook…albeit I think someone should…slap you that is.
        I insult you, subtly, because you obviously enjoy “flogging a dead horse”, “screwing the pooch”, “like a dog with a bone”…possibly you take life too seriously? Just saying.

        Either way, keep commenting…I’m loving the attention because ever since my father stopped hitting me, no one will touch me.

      • Timothy
        August 20, 2010

        You put in an open forum in an open medium, obviously you want people to read it, and obviously you want it to be validated else you wouldn’t take it so hard when some one disagrees with it’s validity.

        I never said you didn’t have a right to your own feelings, but you obviously think that I do not have a right to my own.

        Subtle? Good jumping easter Jesus man, you have a thin idea of most of the meanings behind words, perhaps that’s why your writing comes across in such a malformed manner to which you suggest it should be read.

        If you actually wish to grow, I would suggest learning to take criticism in your stride, and not troll your own blog.

      • Dave
        August 20, 2010

        *sigh*

        You’re right…I want people to read it…I need to be validated otherwise I might “Like” that really annoying App. on Facebook and kill myself.

        You see, you don’t know me and really cannot read the words dripping from every word I write, but then again…seeing as though you’ve won the Pulitzer Prize for English, you should know all about the use of sarcasm.

        I truly respect your opinion, I just don’t agree with it…which is why I have urged you to keep commenting.

        If you take the time to read any of the other 40 blog posts on my blog, you’ll see that I generally like taking the mickey out of myself and my writing…I mean…let’s face it, if you can’t laugh at yourself, you can never truly be happy, right? Maybe you should try it, I see just cause.

      • Timothy
        August 20, 2010

        I have read through your other threads, and all I see is someone trying to be an internet meme.

        You sarcasm is very apparent, just not in your jaded, self-righteous bordering on pretentious threads about love and relationships, oh, and lest I forget, your replies.

        Initially I did not attack your grasp of the English language, I said that your language use did not suggest a passing glance and observation, but the intent to give advice, which I critiqued as being misguided and not correct.

        You certainly don’t appear to take the Mickey, but I would suggest you’re extremely ego-centric, and you troll your own blog.

        I hope right now you are laughing at yourself for being so seriously and attempting (and failing) at taking a cool hand Luke approach to the comments I leave.

        This is also obviously a lost cause, but I do thank you for the discourse, it has been enlightening.

        I wish you the best, grow a bit in yourself and your writing, stop trying to be a meme, stop trolling your own blog and in a few months, I’ll swing by, and hopefully I’ll say say something nice, and you can feel enriched.

      • Dave
        August 20, 2010

        Okay…so the “trolling your own blog” has become old now.

        Actually, it’s become so old that I might just write a blog post about this little interaction and divulge what an anal-dwelling-butt-monkey you’ve made yourself out to be. I’ll do my best to keep it from becoming…wait, what was it…”extremely ego-centric/jaded, self-righteous bordering on pretentious” and yes…I insulted you earlier…I think you should call the police, or the troll-police or the constable of whatever imaginary place where you believe what you say has any affect on the way I feel and the way I will continue to write.

        Oh…by the by, “someone trying to be an internet meme”…I should be so lucky little timmy, by thanks for the backhanded compliment.

        “Cool hand Luke”…jesus, now I know you’re a virgin…was wondering where all that pent up rejection was coming from…and now we know. *Hi 5’s*

        It’s okay little timmy, I’m pretty sure they have the internet thing-ma-bob from things like that…no, not that…you must move on from masturbating over your own words now, use the internet-ma-jig to order one of those nice ladies from Indonesiralia or wherever…you’ll be fine…she love you long time.

        Thanks again fro stopping by timmy, come back soon.

  6. kay
    April 16, 2010

    Are you fucked in the head telling people bout this?!
    There goes my victims…running away by your theories…
    *sigh

    On the lighter note, it doesn’t matter which part of the year it is, its nice having someone around, however, if u’re always going to be afraid of “being a fling” how would you ever know?

    Now I’m not sayibg be a reckless dater…then u have psychological issues of being alone. If you fancy someone, and you’re sure its mutual…
    What’s there to lose?
    We fear the unknown…not being alone.

    • davidanthony0904
      April 16, 2010

      I disagree with you Kay, I think that people are scared of what others will truly think of them if they see past the facade we all wear as human beings…no one really lets it all hang out all of the time…it’s impossible, it goes against human nature! Fearing the unknown is a very generic fear for most people, with regards to relationships, I think people fear the unknown as much as they fear the weighted consequences of their actions and what it will mean in the supposed long run of things!

      Being afraid of “being a fling’ – I’m not so sure that it’s a major fear of people – I feel as though people now-days have grown thicker skin and have become a little more resilient to hurt and pain inflicted upon them emotionally. Maybe it’s just the society in which we live that has made us into these empty-hard-to-the-bone creatures – and maybe it’s the nature of the “Relationship Beast” that one becomes immune to the continuous let downs and breakups that you don’t feel anything anymore and hence enter into these half-hearted relationships fully knowing they are going nowhere but do it regardless because of the pre-mentioned immunities…

      Your guess is as good as mine…

      This has turned into a great discussion, thank you everyone.

  7. garymeyerza
    April 16, 2010

    Nice..

  8. Tarryn
    April 16, 2010

    Love the blog…

    A lot of people are scared of being alone…but to me it’s not just about having someone there to talk to, cuddle with and lie in on weekends with. Looking at my friends, a lot of them are worried about not finding that right person…so they ‘try make it work’ with whoever they are with at the time – this is where the failure happens. You can’t make something work, it should just happen naturally (in terms of relationships). Often, I find people settling for second best because they are in a rush to move onto that next level, and just have someone in their life whether it’s good for them or not…

    • davidanthony0904
      April 16, 2010

      “Just let it happen naturally” – *Sho* Tarryn, that is an extremely broad and evasive term. I can think of nothing worse than letting things pan out naturally…I mean, let’s just be honest here, a relationship is work, sometimes it’s hard work and it takes effort to maintain one…I’m not saying that it’s a “shlep” because as soon as it becomes a “task” then all magic and connection is gone, from the relationship firstly and inevitably the person you are with…now that is a “natural” progression – as negative as it is – *shrugs*

      I do agree with you on your other sentiments and I’m glad to hear that you share similar thoughts on the post. Thank you for the comment Tarryn.

      • Tarryn
        April 16, 2010

        Ok, let me interpret what I meant. I agree with you – it is hard work, and both parties need to work together. But what I’ve seen, and perhaps experienced myself is that most of the time, it’s only one person putting in the effort…and to me it’s not something that can be forced.

      • davidanthony0904
        April 16, 2010

        Totally agree with you Tarryn…a spade is a spade, will always be a spade and no matter how much it wants to be a rake, it’ll always be a spade!

        Another “pet hate” of mine are couple that just have no idea about when to call it “quits” – I hate those that…”flog a dead horse”…it drives me to drink I tell you! But you’re totally right Tarryn, and to lead another metaphor to this ridiculous subject – a boat with one oarsman is always going to go around in circles – it’s a fact of life and relationships have to be mutually beneficial and mutually contributed to…!

        Thank you for commenting again Tarryn.

  9. Zane Dickens
    April 16, 2010

    Great post David, I’ve been with my High School sweatheart for eight years now so I can’t really relate. (Please don’t take that as a “smug married” comment)

    What I do wholeheartedly agree with is debunking the mythic damage caused by Jerry Maguire – “you complete me”. I think its very unless to consider yourself as “less than” and to seek the solution to the gaping void inside in someone else.

    Its typical quick fix, external solution bullsh!t. Be a complete person first, then the “right” person will find you (or at least not be put off by your psychotic tendencies or body odour)

    Life is for sharing, just make sure you have one to share first.

    • davidanthony0904
      April 16, 2010

      Love that Zane…great comment man!

      You’re so right and could not have said it better myself…”Life is for sharing (straight out of the T-Mobile corporate mission statement), just make sure you have one to share first.” – Just an incredible statement and center around the exact theme of this post! I know what I had been doing wrong in the past and corrected it, thought I had found someone to share my life with but “circumstances” decided otherwise – not telling sad stories here today – but I know that what I was doing in my last relationsh*t was right for me, maybe the other person was looking to find the “missing piece” and being whole myself, I wasn’t about to give a little of me away.

      I applaud you on your devotion to your relationship man, it take balls, it takes heart and most of all it takes security and what you have is obviously very special mate, kudos to you and the Love-Boat you sailed in on! (And I mean that in the most respectful and meaningful way possible!)

      PS. F_CK Tom Cruise.

  10. Kate
    April 16, 2010

    Awww damn you David.. you touched me on my studio and a few other places too. 😦
    Too true too true.. since my last big break up i have flittered through these meaningless attempts to connect with another soul.
    still getting hurt still confused..still not wanting to be alone.. and with these autumn leaves continuing to fall i do desperately wanna reach out for a movies-under-duvet dude, a cuddles creep, a bed-warmer wanton man, someone not too be alone with.

    Sigh.

    • davidanthony0904
      April 16, 2010

      Kate, this is exactly the mentality I’m trying to encourage people to veer away from!

      There is nothing and no one who should be able to make you “complete” as a persona, even if it is just for standard company…! Who ever you deem fit to be a part of your life should augment your ready established happiness and not complete it…! I believe that striving to happy with ones own self is the most important thing to focus on because, sadly, without truly loving yourself, you cannot love another…I believe that through and through! I have placed myself in too many situations where I know that I’m going to get hurt, but I do it anyway because I miss it…I miss that tactility…I miss the compassion and the closeness that another brings…but no more…

      I live for me now, anyone else want to join me on the this incredible ride, by all means, take up the No.2 chair, but if your ever grab the “wheel”…you may proceed to let yourself out at any stage!

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This entry was posted on April 16, 2010 by in Blogging, David Alves, ZAGlamour and tagged , , , .
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